


The Double Agent's Guide to Double Dating

by knightinbrightfeathers



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Criminals, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-17 01:52:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11841495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightinbrightfeathers/pseuds/knightinbrightfeathers
Summary: Agatha decides to follow Baz on his mystery date. Penny offers to provide Simon with backup for a mission. Somehow, this turns into a meet-cute.





	The Double Agent's Guide to Double Dating

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted to my tumblr and requested by an anon who wanted "falling in love with their best friend’s partner au". I couldn't bear to write cheating so I went with 'partners in crime'.

“You are absolutely not allowed to come with me,” Baz said, emerging from the walk-in closet. He holds up two ties. “Blue, or green?”

“Why not?” Agatha whined from her blanket burrito in Baz’s bed. She’d just returned from a week in San Diego, and still hadn’t readjusted to London weather.

Baz turned and fixed her with a steely eye. “Because Simon is a normal person, Wellbelove. Do you understand what that means? Do you?”

Agatha shrugged. “That he pays taxes?”

“That he doesn’t have the tools to handle a narcissistic grifter with the conscience of an old hat and the hair of a Disney princess.”

“He won’t even notice that I’m there.” Agatha fluttered her eyelashes in a way that had convinced many a millionaire to part with his millions.

Baz merely sighed. “You are not, under any circumstances, to accompany me on my date.” He held up both ties again. “Blue, or green?”

“…blue,” Agatha said sulkily. “And the grey shirt.”

“Thank you.” Baz set down both ties and picked Agatha up, blanket burrito and all. Agatha shrieked, fighting to get an arm out, but couldn’t free herself before Baz dumped her on the living room sofa. “I expect you to put that duvet back where it came from,” he said, and strode back to his room.

“I’m going to rub jam into your pillow cases,” Agatha muttered.

“I heard that!”

Agatha managed to free her arm, and showed Baz’s living room exactly what she thought of him.

~~~

“What if I mess this up?”

“You’re not going to mess it up.”

“But what if I do?”

“Simon, you won’t.”

“Oh god, this is going to be a disaster.”

Penny looked up from her report. “Why would it?”

Simon stared at her. “Are you kidding me?” He ticked off a list on his fingers. “I don’t know how to use the fancy forks. I’m going to stain this suit in five seconds flat. This suit makes me look like I’m having my bar mitzvah. And I’m going to make a dumb Fruedian slip, try to cover my attraction to our informant, and end up revealing the sting we’re planning to pull on Nicodemus’s gang to the entire damn restaurant!”

Penny looked him up and down, then returned her gaze to the report. “I think the suit looks good, actually.”

“Penny!”

Penny squeezed her eyes shut and pinched the bridge of her nose, pushing up her glasses in the process so that they magnified her eyebrows hugely. “It’ll be fine, Simon. You’re good at your job, you’re smart, and that suit can take worse than a few hollandaise stains.”

“But the forks!”

“Oh, nobody gives a damn about the forks,” Penny snapped.

Simon nodded mutely. He was pale where he was usually ruddy, and his hands clenched and unclenched at his sides. If he’d been wearing a hoodie, the drawstring would be a sodden mess.

“You start from the outermost fork and work your way in.”

“Yeah, okay.” Simon nodded. “I can do this.”

Penny chewed her lip, and gave up. Magee would have her head for it, but Magee would never find out. Besides, he was the one who’d assigned a newbie like Simon to this case. Battlefield experience did not mean he would be any good undercover, damn it.

“I’ll come with you, if you like,” she offered.

Simon brightened, then shook his head. “You can’t.”

“I’ll use the department connections to reserve a table and sit somewhere out of the way. I won’t interfere. I’ll just be emotional support, okay?”

“But Magee-”

“Screw him,” Penny said, thoroughly enjoying Simon’s shocked expression. “Now get out of here already, or you’ll be late for your debrief.”

“Yes sir, Agent Bunce, sir,” Simon said, saluting crisply.

“Scram, army boy,” Penny said, smacking him with the report in her hand. “I have to get ready too, you know, and I have work to do.”

~~~

Agatha perused the menu. It had been a while since she’d last come to The Club, and she’d forgotten how pretentious the place was. At least it had been easy to get a table at the last minute. The name ‘Wellbelove’ still opened a few doors, even tarnished as it was. As she’d made it. Whatever.

Finally deciding on the kimchi risotto and Gigha halibut, she tried to catch the waiter’s eye. When even a discreet wave didn’t work (a lady never called attention to herself, and she was being a lady), Agatha grew bored. Instead of looking to her phone for amusement (because she was being refined), she opted for people watching.

The couple two tables over were clearly bored with each other, and the man was at least thinking of cheating on his wife, if the way he ogled the bartender was any indication. The old ladies sitting to her left were being extremely snooty about someone’s fashion choices, even though one of them had blue hair and the other had her eyebrows drawn in so high that she looked permanently shocked.

Agatha glanced at Baz’s table. He and Simon had their heads close together, and their body language clearly broadcasted sexual tension. Now she regretted the cookie crumbs she’d stuffed into Baz’s duvet. Of course, Agatha herself didn’t see the point of it, but Baz looked like he wanted to shag his date right slap in the middle of the restaurant. He would definitely be taking Simon home.

Turning away from that amusing scene, Agatha looked around idly. The businessman by the potted plant was very grumpy for someone who was eating his way through an £18 eel soufflé. The pretty woman sitting at the bar was-

-was looking straight at Baz’s table, and was almost definitely a fed.

Agatha squared her jaw, all thoughts of dinner vanished. She let her gaze drift away naturally and took stock of the situation from the corner of her eye. The woman’s dress was well tailored, but dull enough to be office garb, and quite unflattering. Her shoes were nice, though. Sensible flats, which would make running easier. Her purse would definitely fit a gun, but it wouldn’t need to- Agatha would have bet the Hope Diamond that she was wearing a thigh holster.

So, there was a federal agent stalking Baz’s romantic date. A date he really, really wanted to go well. And he would be really, really annoyed if she interrupted him right now. His little heart might break, and Agatha couldn’t allow that.

There really was only one option. Agatha got up from her table and crossed the restaurant to sit down right next to Ms. MI5.

“Hi,” Agatha said, smiling the smile that had convinced a duke to allow her access to the family vault. “Mind if I join you?”

“Actually, I’d rather be alone.”

“Oh, no one wants to be alone.” Agatha leaned in. “Look, I’m really sorry about this, but that bloke over there is my ex, and he’s not a nice person. I’d really appreciate it if I could sit with you. That way he won’t bother me.”

The fed looked in the direction Agatha had pointed in, where Eel Soufflé Man was stabbing his meal with undue vigor.

“I suppose I can’t leave a damsel in distress.”

“Thank you,” Agatha said. “Oh, how rude of me. Meredith. Meredith Reed.” One of the credit cards in Agatha’s purse  _was_  under a Meredith Reed’s name.

“Penelope Bunce.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Penelope. Would you mind if I order dinner? I’m starving.”

“Go right ahead.” Penelope flagged down the waiter with a nod that charmed Agatha right down to her toes. “Excuse me? She’d like to order, please.”

“Yes, madam,” said the waiter. “Would madam like a menu?”

Agatha considered her previous choices, and the effects those foods would have on her breath. “Yes, thank you.”

“Very good, madam.” The waiter shuffled away, and Agatha turned back to Penelope.

“How did you do that so quickly? I never manage to catch their attention.”

Penelope raised her eyebrows. “You just have to be assertive. Besides, I don’t believe that you have trouble catching anyone’s attention.”

“Well, it’s not usually a problem,” Agatha admitted, tossing her head.

Penelope laughed. “I like that you’re direct.”

Agatha shrugged elegantly. “Why be coy? I know I’m beautiful, just like you know that you are.”

“Oh, I’m not…” Penelope made a valiant effort at blushing, and was saved by the arrival of the waiter with the menu.

~~~

Baz really, really wanted this meeting to go well. He wanted out of the Coven, and he wanted Nicodemus and his lieutenants off the streets. But most of all, he wanted Simon to succeed on this case, kiss him on an adrenaline high, and fuck him hard against a wall before never looking him in the eye ever again.

Well, actually, he’d like a lot more domesticity and romantic candlelight than that, but he’d take what he could get. Men like Simon Snow just didn’t date men like Tyrannus Basilton Pitch the Third.

At first, the meeting had gone great, but Simon was growing more and more restless. He kept looking towards the bar, and tapping his fingers, and answering Baz’s questions with grunts.

Okay, the grunts were oddly attractive, but still.

“Is something wrong?” Baz asked.

Simon started. “Uh, no?”

“You look so guilty right now, I can’t even begin to describe it,” Baz said. “Pull it together, Snow. Be a professional.”

“I am being a professional,” Simon said. “Look, uh, I have to tell you something.”

 _I need you, right now,_  said Simon in Baz’s head.

“I asked my partner to come with me to this meeting because I was afraid I was going to screw this up,” Simon said in a rush.

Baz raised one manicured eyebrow. “Really?”

“I used the cake fork for the scallops,” Simon pointed out.

“Fair enough.”

“But she’s distracted, and she hasn’t looked at this table in twenty minutes, and honestly I think the woman she’s talking to is one of your, uh, coworkers?”

“Where?” Baz demanded.

~~~

“And then he threw it straight out the window!” Penelope said, taking a sip of her wine.

Agatha was laughing so hard that she had to gasp for breath. “He didn’t.”

“He did! I looked for it afterwards in the bushes, and I just gave up, there were so many lying around on the ground.”

“Ugh,” Agatha said. “I’m glad I’ve never had that particular experience.”

“You’d probably have more finesse than I did,” Penelope said.

“Well, as I’m asexual, I really think I wouldn’t.”

“You identify as ace?”

“That was… not the question I was expecting,” Agatha said, prompting a giggle from Penelope. “More along the lines of, ‘so you’re a plant?’”

“Well, I’d like to think I’m a little better informed than  _that_ , seeing as I identify as queer myself.”

“Still, you’d be surprised how many people-”

“Ahem,” said Baz, right beside her elbow.

Agatha whirled. “Oh, Basil! What a pleasant surprise!”

“Is it? Because I distinctly remember asking you not to stalk me on my date.”

Agatha waved a hand dismissively. “Potato, potahto.”

“That is the opposite of potato potahto!”

“Look,” Agatha said. “Maybe it is. Maybe I did the exact opposite of what you asked me to do. But I did it out of friendship. I wanted to make sure you didn’t screw this up!”

“Thank you for that vote of confidence,” Baz said drily.

“I,” Agatha said, with one hand over her heart, “am here out of the goodness of my heart. Because I care for you. Besides, you were so worried, I had to be here. For backup.”

Baz glowered at her.

The man behind Baz- undoubtedly Simon- put a hand on his shoulder, and Baz relaxed a little.

“Come on, Baz,” he said. “She’s just trying to do what Penny was doing for me.”

“You brought a friend too?” Agatha asked.

“I didn’t bring you!”

“Where is she? I would love to meet her,” Agatha said, ignoring Baz.

“Um, she just came to, um, make sure that my date wasn’t a serial killer. And left,” Simon said.

He was a terrible liar. “You know, you can’t tell if someone’s a serial killer just from looking at them,” Agatha said, her mind coming to a few conclusions. “And Agent Bunce here, if that even is her real name, would know that.”

“It is, actually,” Penelope said. “Although I’m guessing yours isn’t Meredith Reed?”

“And that man wasn’t my ex,” Agatha agreed. “I’d like to know what’s going on. Now.”

“I suppose,” Penelope said. “Simon?”

“I say we play this off as a chance meeting of friends and leave before we draw an audience,” Simon said.

“Agreed,” Penelope said. “Now, you boys pay, and we’ll pay, and then we’ll all leave and go somewhere else.”

“I choose the location,” Agatha said quickly. “I don’t trust you.”

But, Agatha found, as Penelope nodded and called for the bill, she still  _liked_  her.

~~~

“So, you’re giving MI5 insider information on the Coven to bring down Nico?” Agatha crossed her arms, looking at the little circle of faces standing in the most neutrally located parking lot she could think of. “And dating the agent you’re working with?”

“I’m not dating Simon,” Baz said.

“Oh, darling. You can’t con me.” Agatha frowned. “Well, not on this. I know your body language. Even if you’re not dating, you definitely want to.”

“So the narc part doesn’t bother you?” Baz asked dubiously. “Just the part about my love life?”

Agatha rolled her eyes. “Of course not. I’d be delighted to take down Nico and his bloodsuckers. And honestly, you need my help, because that boy of yours is a disaster.”

Simon shrugged, looking vaguely embarrassed. “Sorry.”

“Not so fast,” Penelope said. “How do we know that we can trust you?”

“Agatha’s trustworthy,” Baz said. “As long as there are no rich men with expensive tastes around, that is.”

“Or women.”

“Or women,” Baz added.

Penelope sighed and pinched her nose. “God, Magee will have my head.”

“No he won’t,” Simon said. “I’ll back you up on this.”

“He does love you like the son he never had,” Penelope admitted. “Okay, Agatha. Baz will tell you how and when to contact us.”

“Or,” Agatha said, “Baz could take Simon home and you could give me your number.”

“Or I’ll just give you a burner phone,” Penelope countered.

“When would you give me the phone?” Agatha twirled a lock of hair around her finger. “I’m guessing you don’t have one on you, and I’m not giving you my address.”

“Tomorrow, ten in the morning, Notes at King’s Cross,” Penelope said. “…Wait.”

“It’s a date,” Agatha said, getting into her car before Penelope could change her mind.

“It is not a date!” Penelope called after her. “It’s against department policy to date criminals!”

“Really?” Baz asked Simon.

“Nah.”

~~~

It was a date.


End file.
